PS also, don’t give your teddy bear, or your children, a swirly while you wipe their ass!

check it out, you silly little freak!

I realize we live in a very litigious society.  It drives me batshit that some asshat can order hot coffee, receive hot coffee and then spill it on themselves and make millions.  Seriously, we need to make a constitutional amendment that states if you’re a dumbass and you do stupid, dumbass things that ends up injuring or killing your dumbass, that’s your own damn fault!  C’mon, it’s called Natural Selection!  If an idiot, through his own stupidity, takes him or herself out of the gene pool by doing something that anyone with at least a mildly functioning brain stem would know better to avoid, then sobeit!  It is as nature intends really.  And nature is amazing.

But no, instead of the population living by a golden rule of ‘you are responsible for yourself’, companies have to think of every way possibly that some fuckwit could injury themselves on their products and then they have to put a warning label, usually with pictures for the illiterate fuckwits.   

Here are some tasty samples of companies having to state the obvious.  Keep in mind that many of these warnings came about because some asshole actually did it and then probably tried to sue the company!

Hey, daycare is just too expensive!

That seems a bit obvious, but not so much with this next one..

Some ant suffering peanut allergies must have sued!

Mmmmmm, infant nog!  Don’t forget the rum!

The label cautions users: “Do not use massage chair without clothing… and, Never force any body part into the backrest area while the rollers are moving. “

Seriously, just give the kid a bag of glass shards to play with!  By the way, what does it cause in the other 49 states?

So the “anti-theft device” crushes anyone looking to steal a Mars Bar?  Cool!

I’m never living in CA!

• “Do not use if you cannot see clearly to read the information in the information booklet.” — In the information booklet.
• “Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish.” — On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.
• “For external use only!” — On a curling iron.
• “”Do not use in shower.” — On a hair dryer.

• “Do not use while sleeping.” — On a hair dryer.
• “Do not place this product into any electronic equipment.” — On the case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket.
• “Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.” — On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists.
• “This product not intended for use as a dental drill.” — On an electric rotary tool.
• “Do not drive with sunshield in place.” — On a cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard.
• “Caution: This is not a safety protective device.” — On a plastic toy helmet used as a container for popcorn.
• “Do not eat toner.” — On a toner cartridge for a laser printer.
• “Not intended for highway use.” — On a 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow.
• “May irritate eyes.” — On a can of self-defense pepper spray.
• “Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth.” — On a novelty rock garden set called “Popcorn Rock.”
• “Caution: Shoots rubber bands.” — On a product called “Rubber Band Shooter.”
• “Warning: May contain small parts.” — On a frisbee.
• “Do not use orally.” — On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.
• “Please keep out of children.” — On a butcher knife.
• “Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use.” — On a battery.
• “Warning: Do not use on eyes.” — In the manual for a heated seat cushion.
• “Do not use for drying pets.” — In the manual for a microwave oven.
• “Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you.” — On a motorcycle helmet-mounted rear-view mirror.
• “Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to the forceful injection of water into body cavities either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft.” — In the manual for a jetski.
• “Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death.” — A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm.
• “Do not use as ear plugs.” — On a package of silly putty.
• “Warning: knives are sharp!” — On the packaging of a sharpening stone.
• “Not for weight control.” — On a pack of Breath Savers.
• “Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth.” — On the label of a bottled drink.
• “Do not use intimately.” — On a tube of deodorant.
• “Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice.” — On a box of rat poison.
• “Cannot be made non-poisonous.” — On the back of a can of de-icing windshield fluid.
• “Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage.” — On a portable stroller.
• “Excessive dust may be irritating to shin and eyes.” — On a tube of agarose powder, used to make gels.
• “Do not iron clothes on body.” — On packaging for a Rowenta iron.
• “Do not drive car or operate machinery.” — On Boot’s children’s cough medicine.
• “For indoor or outdoor use only.” — On a string of Christmas lights.
• “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.” — On a child sized Superman costume.
• “This door is alarmed from 7:00pm – 7:00am.” — On a hospital’s outside access door.
• “Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted.” — On a sign at a railroad station.
• “Warning: do not use if you have prostate problems.” — On a box of Midol PMS relief tablets.
• “Product will be hot after heating.” — On a supermarket dessert box.
• “Do not turn upside down.” — On the bottom of a supermarket dessert box.
• “Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame.” — On a lighter.
• “Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball.” — On the label for a cheap rubber ball toy.
• “Not for human consumption.” — On a package of dice.
• “May be harmful if swallowed.” — On a shipment of hammers.
• “Using Ingenio cookware to destroy your old pots may void your warranty.” — A printed message that appears in a television advertisement when the presenter demonstrates how strong the cookware is by using it to beat up and destroy a regular frying pan.
• “Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand.” — In the manual for a Swedish chainsaw.
• “Do not eat.” — On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.
• “Do not eat if seal is missing.” — On said seal.
• “Remove occupants from the stroller before folding it.”
• “Access hole only — not intended for use in lifting box.” — On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.
• “Warning: May cause drowsiness.” — On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.
• “Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death.” — Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.
• “Do not use orally after using rectally.” — In the instructions for an electric thermometer.
• “Turn off motor before using this product.” — On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.
• “Not to be used as a personal flotation device.” — On a 6×10 inch inflatable picture frame.
• “Do not put in mouth.” — On a box of bottle rockets.
• “Remove plastic before eating.” — On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.
• “Not dishwasher safe.” — On a remote control for a TV.

Larry Haskins best know as the principal from ‘Saved By The Bell’.  No Screech?

Joseph Gannascoli Best known as the gay mobster on The Sopranos.  His downward spiral included a stint on Celebrity Fit Club.. who thought he could go any lower?  And in fact he has.

HORSHACK!!!!  But who wouldn’t hang up after the first sylable of that annoying voice!

Jon Provost – Best… oh wait, only, know for being Lassie dopey sidekick… often found at the bottom of a well.

Butch Patrick  Awwww, little Eddie Munster

Doug Feiger lead singer of The Knack.  Wonder if he takes requests for My Sharona?

OK, as soon as I saw this website I had an immediate thought that this guy HAD to be on it!

Lorenzo Lamas – famous for…..I have no idea!
 

DR. Elmo – “grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer”.  Oh yeah, guess who everyone on my list is getting a call from next Christmas!

Whatchu Talkin ’bout Willis????  I bet that gets old after the first 5 calls!  But hey! He’s making $19.95 (minus, of course, the site’s cut) cha-ching!

OH MY HELL!!!!!  DING DING DING!! WE HAVE A WINNER!  Who wouldn’t want a call from Skippy!

NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!!!

Here’s a few you couldn’t pay me $19.95 to give them my phone number!

Sid Haig – supposedly he was in Jackie Brown.  His look says “I would like to slit your throat while you sleep.”

Kato Kaelin – The last thing I need is him asking to crash in my guest room!
 

Kane Hodder – Jason – ‘Nuff said.

This guy played Leatherface in TCM… but I think I’ve seen his ad on Craig’s List personals.

Leonard Lies – WTF!  No thanks.

I llax, loovebe iit!

We’re suffering through yet another suck ass winter storm.  Yes, yes I know I live in an area prone to winter weather, nasty winter weather.  But enough already!  Fucksake, I don’t remember what the sun looks like!

So I got the idea that a quick trip to the tanning salon was well deserved and absolutely in order.  And don’t start with me, I know that shits bad for you, but so isn’t the glare from my pastey white body.

So after 5 minutes of the overly fake-n-baked sales chickie trying to sell me a year’s worth of UV wrinkle-inducing sessions, she asked how long I wanted to age-accelerator set for.

“How long did I have it on for last time?” I asked.  After all, it was a year ago.  I figured whatever it was, we’d double it.

“7 minutes”

“What’s the maximum?” I inquired.  What the hell, the kids aren’t due home for hours.  Being locked in a booth, uninterrupted, no screaming, no crying, no requests for more juice, no spills, no bitching, no asses to wipe… Do they charge by the hour?

“8 minutes.” 

What?  Was she still pissed because I asked her if she moisturized with saddle soap?

“OK, Let’s do that.” Fuck, 8 lousy minutes.  It hardly seemed worth the effort of fumbling in the booth trying to scramble out of my clothes and slap on the fake-n-bake accelerator cream within the 30 seconds the front desk gives you before they automatically turn the laser beams on to ‘nuke’.

“I don’t recommend that, we just put new bulbs in that booth”

Fuck that!  Fire it up biatch!

That’ll teach me.  Fuck.  Where’s that saddle soap?

To Catch a Dumbass

For certain, I am a die hard reality show junkie.  I love that shit.  It’s pure crap, I know this, and yet, like a train wreck, I just can’t stop myself.
One of my favorites would have to be Dateline’s To Catch a Predator.  Granted, this is like news right?  So it doesn’t fall directly into the category of trash TV.  But nonetheless, it’s chalk full of dumb-asses who get exactly what they deserve.  Well, OK, really they deserve a slow painful death, but getting totally owned on national TV is pretty sweet as well.
I swear, the producers of this show are freakin’ geniuses!  Think about it, the asshat child molesters write almost the entire script!  For free!  And man is it priceless!  And then you have that hot piece of ass, Chris Hanson, reading the fuckwits’ chat transcripts back to them, totally void of the emotion or inflection, like he’s reading the cooking directions to a box of Craft Mac and Yack! “I see you wrote, ‘ I want to (bleep) your (bleep) with my (bleep) (bleep)’.  What did you mean by that?”  Priceless.
And let’s face it, in addition to seriously low production costs (I think most of the show’s budget goes to Chris’ bi-weekly hair cuts and lemonade), this show could film nightly in countless cities across the country and never come to the end of the insane parade of child molesters who are stupid enough to think their sick asses aren’t going to get busted for trying to have sex with random web-surfing kiddos!  Of course, my favorite moments on the show is when Chris Hanson pops out and happily greets the perps and you see that flash of recognition and said perp blurts out something like, “oh snap!  I know who you are!  Damnnnnnn!  Am I on that Catch a Predator show?!  Where the cameras at?  For shizzle, let me call my crew.  Dude! I’m on TV!”  ahhhhhh, that’s funny shit.
For real, who would have ever guessed that such a disgusting, stomach-turning subject like child molesters could create such a side-splitting, must see TV!!!!  I’ve learned a lot.  Just to name a few: 

* Reaffirmation that online chat rooms are simple cyber cesspools for soul-less perverts
*59 year old fat bastards think they can pass as a 19 year old (seriously, when you showed up at the house all sweaty and old, didn’t you think they catch on, you dumb fuck!)
* Lemonade is child molester bait!  Oh my hell!  They love that shit!  Even if they have a moment of enlightenment that what they are doing may be wrong or this whole thing could be a sting- you know like that Dateline show, all logic flies out the window at the mere mention of lemonade!

After 32 years of uncertainty over what I want to be when I grow up I have finally come to a decision (cue: drum roll).  Folks I want to be a crack head!  Or a meth addict or a heroine head or maybe just a big boozer.  I’m not picky because there’s only one reason why I would like to hit skid row and that would be DR.DREW! 

This man is HAWT!

Of course, maybe it’s because he is the cleaned up, more professional version of my true object of obsession, Everclear’s Art Alexakis

But I don’t care.  All I know is I wouldn’t mind experiencing his bedside manner!