Whatwerewetalkingabout’s Weblog

By nature, I’m not a mean person.  But there are situations in which I take great pleasure in toturing annoying asshats who beg to be put in their place.  One of my favorite targets for a healthy dose of sarcastic verbal ass-kicking would be the suckass leaches called telemarketers… and living in NH and just surviving another primary, I’m lumping in those bastard campaign volunteers who spent the last 3 months calling me incessantly.  It’s all endlessly annoying until I decided to have some fun with it.  What follows in a transcript between a Obama volunteer (OV) and myself.

Me: Hello

OV: Hi is M….Myl….Milla…..available (Fucking up my name is the first sign the caller is not a close friend)

Me: This is (even though you butchered my name, you bastard.)

OV: I’m calling from the Obama campaign and would like to invite you to a party we’re hosting at White’s Park this Saturday.

Me: Saturday?  Shit (yes curse words help you appear to be very passionate about your favorite candidate)!  My kid’s birthday party is Saturday.

OV: Oh, well we’re sorry you can’t attend but…..

Me: Wait!  You said White’s Park?  Oh this might work out great.

(thoughtful pause)

Me:  Are there going to be balloons at this party?

OV: Umm, yeah.

Me:  Will there be food?

OV: Yes, we’ll be serving hot dogs and hamburgers as well as beverages to all the Obama suppo….

Me: Oh my god, this is perfect!  Listen, I’m moving my kids party to White’s Park.  This is great!  I really wasn’t looking forwards to having all those friggin’ ass mokeys destroying my house.  Does Obama do face painting or maybe balloon animals.

OV: (uncomfortable pause) No, I don’t think so.

Me: Well it’s still a few days away so maybe he could brush up on that.  The rugrats are 5 years old, really it takes very little to impress them.  I’m not expecting David Copperfield for crissakes.  Tell me you’re having a petting zoo and I’ll be in heaven!

OV: petting zoo?  No I don’t think so.  (this guy is starting to realize he probably should have taken that volunteer position at the insane asylum)

Me: (slightly disappointed) Damn.  Ok, that’s OK we can make this work.  Listen, you guys are so awesome for doing this, I really appreciate it.  And don’t worry I’LL bring the cake!  Totally got that covered.  This is going to work out incredibly well.  There will be lots of adults to keep their eyes on all the little monsters so maybe I can get my drink on.  No cleaning up after all those little nose-miners, no accidents, no spills, no shit stains on my carpets!

OV:  Ummm, ma’am….

Me:  Alright so count us in!  Let’s see, my husband and I, although I’m not sure we’ll stick around the entire time, we like to take advantage of ‘us’ time whenever possible, so that’s 2 adults and 17 kids including the birthday girl!

OV: Well, I don’t think…….

Me: OK, so I’ll bring the cake, no worries there for you.  But if you could finagle pony rides that would be great! BYE!!

click.

pretty sure that would be the last call I recieved from the Obama folks.

Of course I was pretty easy on that bastard compared to this genius.